The Future... TODAY

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2009-11-30T07:49:00.000-08:00

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2009-11-26T21:51:00.000-08:00

Boolgogi!

2009-08-29T19:22:00.000-07:00

Kabobs! Wish you were here!

2009-07-03T18:07:00.000-07:00

Kabobs & Grilled Shrimp. Wish you were here!

Bundley O'swaddles

2009-06-08T11:25:00.000-07:00

Voiceover time!

2009-04-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

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2009-04-18T12:37:00.000-07:00

Don'takapitcherame

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2009-03-20T07:39:00.000-07:00

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2009-02-23T13:27:00.000-08:00

Poor buttons!

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2009-02-23T10:34:00.000-08:00

1:08 Red Barn Tragedy - El Cid

2009-01-26T23:17:00.000-08:00

First night of the new format, lottery style!

It's a good idea that, now it needs to be combined with a locked down 5 minute or 3 minute slot and it'll be even better. Meghan Parks is a good host and kept things moving. She's funny too.

My set went as well as a three minute workout could, which is to say too short. Although I got some ideas on honing in on one of my jokes.

Also I had chips and salsa and stuffed mushroom tapas, so I had that going for me.

Next stop sketchtowne, population me! I'm going to write some sketches to put up around town. Expect plenty of sophisticated poo jokes!

1:05 (holding) Blogging about a lack of blogging.

2009-01-22T15:37:00.000-08:00

Wait I did do some things. I went to Triclops, did not go up but stayed for Andrew Orvedahl and April Richardson and Raj Desai's sets at the booked show. Odd odd night. The room was decorated for a drag show with a huge glittery sign that said "Glamor" at the back of the stage. Weird.

Jon and Zach from Bialek's crew were there along with Barbara Gray, Wattenhoffer and a bunch of other people I know or know peripherally. That's how starved for writing I am that I just wrote the most information poor sentence ever. Of course they were there, the same rotating crew of 50 or 60 comedians are always found in 10-15 person chunks strewn throughout Los Angeles.

Anyway. I have been wallowing im my own crapulence. Part of it is Twitter and Facebook which encourage me to spend a bjillion hours doing largely unproductive things.

I need to write and buckle down 'cause I am getting all unhappy with myself for wasting so much time. So my answer is apparently to do something that is not particularly funny or creative.

Yay me!

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2009-01-16T12:58:00.000-08:00

2009, @1:05 Triclops (El Cid: Aborted, Triclops: Ditched)

2009-01-10T19:11:00.000-08:00

Dear diary,

I secretly wept when I saw my dreamboat blowing in the ear of that slut Mary-Elizabeth. I will never love again!

Wait, sorry I thought I was a 13 year old girl for a minute. Although Jr. High school kids these days are probably dirtier than Bob Guccione as far as I know. Back in my day... ugh nevermind.

OK so updates. Plague descended upon my house for the holidays and laid us low. I was sick then I wasn't then I was again. Effed up.

Last Friday 1/2 I tried to hit Triclops Kimberly Clark and Elily Maya Mills' open mic and booked show in Silverlake, where the hipster runs free. I ended up on a mystery tour of the bowels of Downtown LA. Shit just got weird around Chavez Ravine and with the fog I ended up heading South instead of North. I did get to see that ALL CIGARS ARE 99 CENTS at a Mini-Mart on Crenshaw Boulevard so that was not a waste.

Monday the 5th I hit El Cid, by then I was full on in the grip of the grippe and by the time I got through traffic I was late to a 19 comic open mic so I sat and watched. Probably a good thing too.

I really wish they'd bite the bullet and do a lottery for spaces at El Cid. I mean even if the sets were 3 minutes they kinda need to have more structure. The last few comics got like 2 minutes which kinda blew. Ah well, not my room.

I did some writing over the break, not a lot, but enough to keep jonesing for some stage time. I wrote a sketch for Meredith and I to do at Not Too Shabby, I think we need to do 2 person stuff that means we only have to deal with the minimal amount of overhead.

I managed to GET to Silverlake Lounge for Triclops on Friday. I did mostly new stuff and stayed for the booked show. Saw a few people I knew and shot the breeze. All in all a good night.

In other news I applied for a gig as a remote blogger for VH1's Best Week Ever. I had to throw a portfolio together in a friggin' rush so who knows if anything'll come of it. Regardless, it was fun to do.

Gonna hit 12 Shiny Nickels tonight and see what's going on.

I love you, blog.

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2009-01-07T08:00:00.000-08:00

New Years Day!

2009-01-01T16:19:00.000-08:00

No resolutions.

I will write, work, do sketches with my cronies, shoot some videos, do a lot of stand up.

Gonna have a baby this year in May, provided all things biological go the way they should.

I am grateful and thankful for a year of Upright Citizen's Brigade shows, open mics, and classes, A Special Thing dot com for comedy talk and vicious hazing, Comedy Death Ray/See You Next Tuesday, Dan Bialek and 12 Shiny Nickles, Never Not Funny/The 40 year old boy and all the laughs and shows and incidentals.

This is only going to get better.

2009 is going to be badass.

Merry Mom-mas

2008-12-25T11:42:00.000-08:00

The UCB Green Room Celebrity Blowoff

2008-12-18T05:25:00.000-08:00

The Comedy Death Ray 300th show mini marathon was the nudge my body needed to topple off the edge into a horrible cold. Seriously, this cold is like having jackbooted soccer hooligans camped out in my head and throat stomping around, puking and generally damaging property and threatening passersby.

I’ve been working on the ragged edge for a while now, doing shows, seeing shows, writing, partying, open-mic’ing and now the bill has come due in the form of Val Kilmer in Tombstone-esque lung butter production. Aches? Pains? Oh yeah, I got those too. I think I SPRAINED MY HEAD coughing. I had no idea that was even possible.

I’ve been trying to record and edit voiceovers for a video I’ve been working on and although a dude that sounds like Suzanne Pleshette after a pack or three of Viceroys is hilarious, I doubt the client will be pleased at all to hear my gradual descent into terminal tuberculosis.

Anyway, those reading this on AST (I cross post this blog from my blogger blog) are almost certainly aware of the four-hour plus Comedy Death Ray 300th show mini marathon. I made Irish shortbread cookies for the box office staff, green room, and to enjoy during the show (and yes they were badass, thank you for asking). My cold was just starting to ramp up during the post-show schmooze. Add to that the fact that I was exhausted tired made for me being just slightly fever-y and not at all there. I headed back into the green room to get my serving platter I brought cookies on and say hey to folks. B.J. Porter, Jon Daly, and Brett Gelman were there and a couple of other people. I shook some hands and here’s the part I’m fuzzy on; I might have blown off shaking hands with Michael Cera (Juno, Superbad). I might be a bit cold-medicine addled and remembering wrong, but I have it nagging in the back of my head. I wasn’t intentionally being rude. Sorry fella.

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2008-12-16T21:50:00.000-08:00

1:02 Zach and Jon's Gladness Pagent.

2008-12-08T19:05:00.000-08:00

Did a ten minute set at Gardner Stages for Jon Durnell and Zach Ames show.

I fucked up my setlist order and couldn't get back into the rhythm of the thing so I read from my setlist. It made for awkwardness but better than fucking shit up, I suppose.

Ah well. Good responses from the audience and I did a little crowd work. Zach and Jon taped the sets as well as my buddy Eric, so there'll be video at some point. My wife was there and it was fun to make fun of her in the crowd.

Good notes after too, I fuck with my mic too much, that was largely 'cause I was screwed up from my setlist fiasco and Eric said I said "like" too much. Practice.

I need to tighten up some jokes in the middle of my set. I want to do more ten minute gigs now, this was a blast.

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2008-12-05T12:29:00.000-08:00

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2008-12-03T15:19:00.000-08:00

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2008-12-02T20:02:00.000-08:00

:52 and Holding - El Cid

2008-12-02T08:16:00.000-08:00

Got to El Cid late due to traffic so I was 19th on the list to go up. Did not get stage time last night, which kinda blows - about five of us didn't get on.

C'est la guerre.

Fuck.

Did I actually use c'est la guerre seriously, in context, fuck.

Sigh.

The redeeming factor last night was the Premiere of "Hammer Monkey Tight" Sean Conroy's new show out in West Nutsackwrinkle (where the 10 and food stamps meet!) Eddie Pepitone, Clara Bijl, Andy Daly, and Brody Stevens put on a hell of a maiden show. They're going to do it every Monday at least through December so I think that might be my Monday stand-up watching gig, especially if the line ups are even a quarter as good.

Hammer Monkey Tight
Mondays 9PM
Mandrake Bar
2692 South La Cienega Boulevard
LA,CA 90034
FREE

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2008-12-01T12:49:00.000-08:00

This is what 39 looks like.

501 Posts! :52 @ UCB / Weenmas Eve

2008-11-29T02:06:00.000-08:00

Did 5 at UCB's Open Mic.

Good set, good crowd and relatively good night of open mic. Conroy usually kills me once or twice with ad libs, this was no exception.

No Chuck Ford set though, too bad. Although pre-show he did dispense the nugget that Heinz 57 is great on fries. As always, he is correct.

I need to get together my set for next Saturday's 7pm show at 12 Shiny Nickels 8 big minutes!

SEE YOU THERE!(?)

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2008-11-27T11:33:00.000-08:00

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2008-11-27T11:32:00.000-08:00

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2008-11-27T11:30:00.000-08:00

:48 at El Cid

2008-11-24T22:10:00.000-08:00

Fun Fact: El Cid is Spanish for The Cid.

Paul Jay said it best, it is the nicest room that you can do an open mic in. Well decorated and lit and, other than that, like 5 people there. Not a lot of response, like doing comedy into a cavern. Good room otherwise. Except for the 6 dollar drinks.

I did a three, count 'em three minute set. Worked on a couplea new jokes for a show coming up in a few weeks. No tape. Feh.

I need to get back into the writing groove or produce one of the sketches I have sitting on my desk. I am suffering from holiday short-timers syndrome I suppose.

Trying to decide whether or not to do Brewco tomorrow. It's "do someone else's material night" so I might do 5 as Brody Stevens for the hell of it, I know I'd think it is funny. West Valley represent.

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2008-11-21T08:22:00.000-08:00

Oh hey there blog.

2008-11-21T01:00:00.000-08:00

Did the Westwood Brewco Tuesday night. Some familiar faces and some interesting people. Good to do a new room. I got a good call and took the #7 spot.I did some new stuff and a few older bits. I didn't tape. Had an interesting conversation with Cornell Reid and Paul Danke about the room.It is very interesting to watch how comics deal with failing utterly. There were some doozies.

Ugh.

2008-11-12T08:37:00.001-08:00

I did not go out to Brewco open mic last night, however I did go to See You Next Tuesday and had a good night out. Tony Sam, Dan Telfer, Dan Dominguez, Kyle Kinane were all funny as hell. Made me regret not going up at open mic. Feh. Maybe the Spot tonight.

No Abbot's Habit!

2008-11-11T14:19:00.001-08:00

I took a week off to write some sketch and look what happened. My regular Monday night favorite open mic is kaput. Blows. I hope Dan, Jon, and Zach get this back up and a going concern 'cause it was a good room and a big part of my week, despite my personal roadblocks about performing the same stuff for the same peeps.

I was amped after a week off and just happened to check AST before I headed over the hill yesterday and blammo. Ah well.

I saw The Doug Benson Interruption at UCB last night, awesome as always. Bamford, Harris Wittles, Aziz, Graham Elwood, and Jimmy Dore. Great show as always, for me the best part is watching Doug get caught up watching the guests, he let the Bammer go over time because she was rockin' the house. The interrupting got into full swing during Wittles' set and came to a head during Dore's when they played the Tivo game, describing a movie a la the Tivo guide one line description i.e. "A new patient has differences of opinion with hospital staff" - One Flew Over the Cuckoo's nest. IT KILLED.

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2008-11-05T13:51:00.000-08:00

:40 Habitually.

2008-10-29T07:36:00.000-07:00

Did the usual Monday night open mic. Good people as always. I tried a few new things but the response was mediocre. I think I am beginning to psych myself out a bit. I'm getting a little more comfortable on stage but I have to buckle down and hit the open mics hard if I want to get better at this. I can see why comics lake Patton Oswalt say "just go and do" there is nothing better.

I need to do the BrewCo and Spot and possibly others. I also need to start planning and shooting some sketches on video as another outlet.

I have heard it said (Jimmy Dore? Todd Glass?) that comedy is about making strangers laugh. I need to do that more.

Fallout3!

2008-10-29T07:27:00.000-07:00

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2008-10-27T12:40:00.000-07:00

:35 and Phlegm

2008-10-27T10:21:00.000-07:00

I've been a little under the weather lately so I've been trying to take it as easy as my travel-heavy schedule has allowed.

I went to Dan Bialek's 12 Shiny Nickles 11pm and 1 am show. A number of Weinbachs were there (2) and Simon King. I got to see Mary Van Note for the first time in non-internet form as well. Everyone did well and I actually drank a lot of crummy but 8.1 alcoholic beer. Which leads me to...

Dan had me close the 1am show. Utterly unprepared, I took the stage and realized I was pretty drunk. Niiiiice.

I did about 2 or 3 minutes of some of my new stuff, started to do some political stuff, rambled around a little, and punched out. It was fun if nerve-wracking. I rely on my notes a lot I noticed. Thank you to the 5 people at 1:50 who gave me some laughs.

Then Simon and I went to Canters and had sandwiches. I love corned beef and pastrami. This is no lie.

1/2 Hour

2008-10-21T23:26:00.000-07:00

So I'm up in the Bay Area for work and since I couldn't do Abbot's Habit I figured I'd take on the SF comedy scene*.

I did 5 at the Comedy Speakeasy at Annie's Social Club and it was awesome times! Chad and Jeff were stellar hosts and there was some fine, fine comedy from the lineup. I classed the place up as I was outfitted for douchebaggery in the finest style having just come from work. I'd say I was in 3/4 Paul Tompkins mode. No jacket, but I did have the Robert Talbott tie and robot cufflinks. STILL THEY LET ME PERFORM! THAT IS THE KINDA JOINT THEY RUN UP HERE. Pure Class.

Everyone was kind and supportive and it was good to meet public faces from ASpecialthing like TV's Drieux, and some lurkers (you know who you are you pussy).

It was a first for me as I took the stage rather buzzed from a double Powers and about four Pilsener Urquells so that was fun. I had a blast, and it just underlines the need to do more and more and more. Comedy, not drinking.

Great night, thanks for the fun times Chad and Jeff!

*How fucking pretentious do I sound?

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2008-10-21T23:11:00.000-07:00

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2008-10-21T23:09:00.000-07:00

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2008-10-20T16:10:00.000-07:00

Bay Area (Walnut Creek)

2008-10-19T08:18:00.000-07:00

So no 50 cent open mic tomorrow as I am going to Walnut Creek for a damn conference for my day job. Whee. I'm going to see if I can't find an open mic on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday.

I didn't write a whole lot this week. But the good news is I got the go ahead to resume exercise after the bike accident so I will be less pent-up and anxious and less fattycakes from laying around and eating. Fat fuck.

There might be some video sketch stuff in the works over the next few weeks too.

We'll see.

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2008-10-14T09:44:00.000-07:00

Minute 25

2008-10-14T01:21:00.000-07:00

Good night for comedy. Open mic Monday at Abbot's Habit as usual.

Did some new stuff. I'm realizing that I really need to buckle down and do as many open mics as I can to work out new and old material. I'm having a great time with standup and the sketch stuff I'm doing.

Except...

The bike accident is really affecting me more than I thought it would. I'm kind of depressed. It didn't seem particularly traumatic (other than physically) but damn if I haven't been a lot more down and kind of PTSD-y. It's so weird as I'm so "off my game" that I can really step back and go "damn, I think something is wrong with me" I have never experienced that that I can recall. By no means am I weepy poor me, I'm pretty lucky all I had was a busted bike and a torn up shoulder, but the whole thing is kind of bumming me out. Plus all the work trying to make sure I get a new bike and accident report paperwork etc. Not looking forward to it. All in all I'm OK and I have a referral to the Sports Medicine department to check to see if there is any permanent damage to my shoulder Friday.

On the comedy front, no lie, I wrote a bunch of rape jokes. Seriously. I am by nature attracted to dark humor but even I was taken aback by my writing this week.

Whatever. I went to see sketch at UCBT LA Friday and Saturday pretty good stuff both nights.

Tonight, after open mic, I went to see Doug Benson do the Benson Interruption. Great show with Paul Scheer, TJ Miller, Nikki Glaser, Steve Agee, and Jimmy Dore. Got to talk to a couple of folks and say hi.

Great night. Got to say, I love this.

Garcon where's my drink?

2008-10-08T07:40:00.000-07:00

"Move along folks push 'er back there, move along, show's over folks, let 'im breathe, step lively."

So no open mic this week because I GOT HIT BY A FUCKING CAR. Not a car that was engaging in the act of coitus, but one who was trying to FUCK ME UP.

I was a-riding my bicycle on the return leg of my daily ride when a lady made a left into her driveway without really doing a thing we like to call PAYING ATTENTION TO THE 6'1" 285 POUND DUDE ON THE BIG WHITE BIKE RIGHT NEXT TO YOU.

I'm all-right, my bike she is totalled, which blows. My right arm is severely bruised in the joint, I thought it was dislocated at first which it sorta was as one of the muscles was in a strange place and kinda squished back into position many painful hours later much like a slithery octopus would. I'll be OK in a few days with my road rash knees and elbow and gimpy wing.

I missed Monday open mic AND I Love Movies/CDR/SYNT. So piss.

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2008-10-07T07:49:00.000-07:00

Minute 20 for reals.

2008-09-30T09:48:00.000-07:00

Better focus last night than last week's show, still was fumbling around a bit because of some new stuff, but it didn't throw me as much 'cause I was ready for it. I got over the hump of doing the same jokes in front of the sam people largely. Just need to mold this stuff into something resembling an act. I tried out a longer new bit that was way talkier, and avoided politics as much as possible because I hate it so very, very much.

I need to:
Open up my jokes more (still)
Do some different venues for open mics (woulda been awesome to get up for UCB, but meh)
Keep trying to pull a coherent delivery/ set list into shape.

I also need to keep from burning out as I have been balls-to-the wall for the last few weeks. I love this a lot but I'm getting tired.

I need to write a sketch for Sunday based on a wacky one-note character. Think SNL-type exaggerated features. Woo.

FW: Chuck-motherfuckin-Ford

2008-09-27T14:51:00.000-07:00

FW: Chuck-motherfuckin-Ford

2008-09-27T14:45:00.000-07:00

Minute 20(15)

2008-09-27T12:26:00.000-07:00

Went to UCB's monthly open-mic hosted by Sean Conroy. I didn't get a slot but stuck it out anyway, making conversation with Ron Babcock, whom I know from Mondays at Abbot's Habit on Sunset, and Rick, a classmate of mine from UCB.

25-30 people were there, I'd say.

It was very much a mixed bag. I saw a lot of "it seemed funnier in my head" reactions on stage. Some stuff was just plain weird.

As with last month's show we were graced with an appearance from local "character" Chuck Ford. Chuck has a "comic" style that is like a cross between Garrison Keillor and Rain Man. His sets, as near as I can divine, consist of making vague numerological references to the numbers in his or other's names and talking about sports. I can't figure out if he thinks what he is saying funny or simply doesn't notice or care. It strikes me you'd get the identical act if you talked to him on the bus. Well, more like if he talked to you, and of course he would. Highlight of the CF set: an anecdote about how he was going to turn down extra work on a Jim Carrey movie, but then reconsidered.

But the night was truly made special by the crazy drunk homeless dude who normally camps out at the corner of Bronson & Franklin. Well tonight he was in the audience. He babbled Forrest Gump-ian bits of "philosophy"as Conroy put it. Things like "Ya ain't gonna go somewhere if you don't start". It was a little too incoherent to be heckling. Conroy and some of the other comics reaction to the dude were some of the funniest moments of the night.

Seemed to be a lot of third-stringers out for this edition. Maybe I'm spoiled a little? Maybe I'm arrogant? I do think I'm better a lot of them.

As for me:

Had a great talk with Ron he's a good guy, and funny. One of the reasons I am so enthused about stand up is the chance to be around other sharp, funny people and that's a joy.

I made sure to strip my set list down to less unwieldy chunk and got some eyeball time looking it over, just in case I got picked. I wrote some new material and I have two sketches for my Sunday sketch 101 class. So busy busy.

My next thing I need to do is begin fleshing out some of the jokes I've written. A lot of them seem to be kind of, um, truncated is a good word. Just punchy one-liners almost. I need to open them up a bit.

Here's the kind of retard that I am part II...

2008-09-26T03:42:00.000-07:00

Here's the kind of retard I am...

2008-09-26T03:33:00.000-07:00

15 Minutes

2008-09-22T22:45:00.000-07:00

My first bad open mic.

I'm sure there will be more. I was all over the place. I had taken all the material that I had done in the two previous mics and squooshed it together to make a set of stuff that I had already done. I wanted to do some new stuff too, but was really unprepared.

It didn't help that a lot of the folks had to leave the show to go to other things around town either so I was playing to a crowd of six.

Lessons learned:
Stick with what you know. In a short 5 minute set, not knowing what you want to do is a killer.
Practice practice practice.
Focus dammit.

I need to get out to other mics too.

UCB Grad show.

2008-09-22T10:44:00.000-07:00

So I had my first Sketch 101 class. I had to leave an hour early to make my 2:30 call at UCB for my show.

I had a great time doing the show. I was lucky enough to have a class full of great people, smart, quick, and fearless. David Harris (Last Day of School) was one badass mofo teacher, always supportive and helpful. The last two classes are where I felt the improv basics come together and I knew we'd do OK.

I was happy to see so many friends and family at the show including some of my fellow AST'ies Paul and Tristan. Thanks for buying my first round as a UCB Theatre Alum Tristan!

Improv is a group effort and none of the funny is possible without help from everyone. You all rocked! I'm so happy and proud.

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2008-09-22T08:01:00.000-07:00

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2008-09-22T07:56:00.000-07:00

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2008-09-22T07:45:00.000-07:00

Writing

2008-09-20T18:47:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to write a joke a day. I find it hard to have fleshed out thoughts as I am up against a 5 minute limit and feel like I have to be punchy, move on, punchy.

Tomorrow is the UCB class show. I can't wait.

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2008-09-19T11:34:00.000-07:00

10 minutes

2008-09-17T13:08:00.001-07:00

So I've done two open mics so far. In pilot's terms I have 1/6th of an hour of flight time in.

What have I learned?

· It's good to get a laugh - basic but true. This second time I actually heard some over the blood pounding in my ears.

· I need to speak up. I’m too goddamn quiet at the mic. This probably comes from years of being told to pipe the fuck down. I’m going to try holding the mic next time. That might help. Side note, I pop my plosives, how goddamn unprofessional of me.

· Jokes you love in your head or on paper or with friends might not be as good as you think.

· Going to open mics makes me want to do more open mics. I want to get good and practice.

· Write your ideas/ jokes down ASAP. ASAP! Losing my train of thought makes me feel like an ass. Carry a notebook, recorder or something to jot it down.

· Make notes of what’s funny at the shows.

· Talk to the people around you. Remember names. I am horrible at this everyone I have spoken to at 50-cent is friendly and awesome. Dan, Jon, Zac who run it, the comics who have attended. I’m having a good time with people who want to do what I want to do.

· Learn from your mistakes. Tape or video your sets (I am horrible at both) at worst, take notes after you come offstage of what worked and what didn’t.

· Learn from others. Watch comedy, both good and not so good. There are things to learn from all performers thems that are bombing or thems that are killing.

· Five minutes is a hell of a short time. Keep your stuff pithy or expect to only do one storytelling bit.

· I need to open up my jokes more. Too many are one-note bang and done.

I can honestly say I love it. Love it. For someone usually disaffected and cynical about, well, stuff, I can say that those 5 minutes is pretty unreservedly backyard army-men hot-wheels-cars badass. Badass in the pure fun way I haven’t seen since I was a kid.

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2008-09-16T21:57:00.000-07:00

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2008-09-16T21:55:00.000-07:00

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2008-09-16T12:48:00.000-07:00

Open Mic Time!

2008-09-15T13:22:00.000-07:00

So, I did my first open mic standup last Monday. I was told it went well. I don't recall, as I was Shaky O'Kneeman. I'm not usually nervous on stage, but for some reason I was tweaked. I guess it was all build-up. Maybe it's because I actually care if people think I'm funny. Usually the public speaking I do has no particular ego associated with it.

It is everything everyone says it is. It is hard to do. It is easy to do. It takes preparation. It takes spontaneity. It’s like sex, really. All the bullshit that you and your buddies think it’s about are simultaneously wrong and right. Like sex, I can easily see that I am totally not going to know what end to stick it in for a little while.

I wish I had started doing it when I was 19. There was a sex joke there that I'm too tired to make.

The Fifty-Cent Open Mic
Mondays 7 to 9pm (signup at 6:30)
Abbott's Habit
7554 West Sunset Blvd. (at Sierra Bonita)
Hollywood, CA 90046
http://www.myspace.com/fiftycentopenmic

It was a good show. Dan, Jon, and Zac were awesome and the rest of the comics were all very supportive, it was a good vibe.

After the post-coital bliss of my first open mic, some of us migrated to UCB for The Doug Benson Interruption. Doug has a number of his comedy pals on and riffs, heckles, and well, interrupts their sets. Set is a loose term here as some comedians basically just banter and riff with Doug, which is fine by me, as it is hilarity. Doug’s über-secret guests were Jimmy Dore, Paul Scheer, Sarah Silverman, Graham Elwood, and Paul F Tompkins.

The show was awesome times, but the best part was getting to thank a bunch of my favorite comics for being such a great influence on me. They all fueled my leap to finally get off my ass and try to be funny.

Doug, Jimmy, Todd Glass, and Paul were gracious backstage to a tyro like me.

Now I just have to write and write and write and perform and perform and perform until it looks as easy as they do it.

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2008-09-09T15:43:00.000-07:00

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2008-09-09T15:20:00.000-07:00

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2008-09-05T16:13:00.000-07:00

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2008-09-05T16:10:00.000-07:00

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2008-09-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

Also this

2008-08-24T16:15:00.001-07:00

9/11 everyone knows 9/11 but we all seem to forget 2/26, 2/26? - 2/26/93? - when the first wtc bombing happened? big ryder truck full of diesel and manure? Yeah. I bring this up because it points out something that is lacking here and pretty much everywhere – perspective.

About 50% of this country HATES bush HATES HATES HATES bush, wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire. But everyone seems to forget we had another president before him screwing things up too, and one before that, and before that.

All of our political leaders SUCK. Period. Think of the "greats" Washington, Lincoln – You may have heard of them. We have incredible holiday sales events with fabulous savings named after them.

Washington –
6000 plus wounded in the Revolution – over 4500 killed in the eight years between 1775 and 1783
Personally led the 13,000 man federal army that suppressed the Whiskey rebellion, the US' first taxpayer revolt,
Slave-owner.
Bad false teeth,
Apparently a hard ass.

Lincoln –
350,000 wounded in the civil war
191,000 killed. – 51,000 - ¼ at Gettysburg ALONE!
Cracker Hillbilly
Community Theater Enthusiast
Emo Beard.

Like I said - perspective

Hating the president is like hating cafeteria food when you are in school, it doesn't matter if the Tuesday meatlog sucks today the Wednesday turkey taco pie is going to be just as ass tomorrow.

Anyway, perspective.

We Americans and most people in the "west" live a life that is almost inconceivable to the average schmuck in the undeveloped "Bono's misery themepark / Angelina Jolie's private orphanage" part of the world. We have clean water, well at least not immediately TOXIC water, plenty of food, too much goddamn food and enough economic and social freedom to screw who we want and bitch about not being able to marry them in public without being killed with rocks.

I'm not going to use big words here people, we have McDonalds, Laziness, and Hot Girl on Girl Action. We have the prosperity enough to bitch about the most trivial matters, and worse yet ELEVATE them to the level of national debate. Why? BECAUSE WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT LIFE IS LIKE ANYWHERE ELSE.

We need to win the hearts and minds of the people who hate us, we need to bring a deeper understanding of what the "west' is like.

So here's my idea. You ready? Video games.

Yeah. Xbox, PS2, Ataris with the wacky little joystick – nintendos, or for my friends from highschool – Intendos. Whatever, doesn't matter.

Build 500 million solar powered Xboxes - built in monitors - with Halo or Tekken or whatever games dateless nerds are playing nowadays. Airdrop the SOBs into Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iran, Iraq, wherever it seems like a good idea to people to strap bombs on themselves rather than continue poking a stick in the rocks hoping oil or cheese or water or delicious manwiches will bubble up.

That will guarantee that in 5 or ten years all of our current enemies will be completely incapable of harming us, and we will be exporting cheetos to the WORLD.

"Achmed Al Waziri, we are learning to reassemble our Ak-47- HEY IS THAT SUPER MARIO KART!?!"

"No no no Mahomet it is up circle circle down left circle triangle for the super move!"

"Truly god is great when he gives us a bonus round!"

5 years and they will all be sullen teens, then we can start shipping system of a down records, strippers and booze in.

When there's a Spearmint Rhino Baghdad, THEN it will be Mission Accomplished.

This is too long and boring for the standing up...

2008-08-24T16:13:00.000-07:00

I believe Jesus Christ is my lord and personal savior and I need to testify and witness in front of you all.

Why do I believe in Jesus? Well where do I start?

TWO WORDS. Ritual cannibalism.

Body of christ, blood of christ wow, just wow, what other western religion will let you EAT THE FLESH AND DRINK THE BLOOD of your god. I like the personal touch.

Next: Undead ARMY.

So in the end of the bible there the final trump sounds and the dead ride from their graves, cremated people presumably in comical little ash piles with cartoon eyes or something and join the HIDEOUS SHAMBLING UNDEAD SON OF GOD and fight the final battle of Armageddon.

And if you need to have any more reason to follow in the footsteps of a Zombie Hippie who can provide all the food and booze at your next party how about his dad who will DAMN YOU TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE if you don't.

Frankly you had me at unstoppable zombie army.

I lied, that was sarcastic. I'm an athiest. I will be the last person to denigrate someone's beliefs but... no... wait... I will... you are all stupid, consider your beliefs denigrated.

So OK here's what I don't get. Jesus, son of the guy that used to indescriminately kill dudes, and well, EVERYONE but NOAH and his zoo, for minor infractions, gets sent down to be killed and his sacrifice is to ensure that people will get in to heaven. Huh? There's a sudden Twilight Zone twist - that's past M. Night Shymalan and into just mind-bending bullshittery in my opinion. I will be the last person to denigrate someone's beliefs but... no... wait... I will... you are all stupid, consider your beliefs denigrated.

Religion frightens me, really. We used to go out to eat buffets on Sundays. Honestly roast beef and gravy is a much better life choice than hard wooden pews and boring talks about whatever. Yeah, I was raised a Buffetarian. Not a Buffetist! Heretics.

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2008-08-12T10:14:00.000-07:00

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2008-08-07T09:28:00.000-07:00

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2008-07-27T22:23:00.000-07:00

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2008-07-17T10:30:00.001-07:00

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2008-07-17T10:29:00.000-07:00

Rene cigar rolling.

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2008-07-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

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2008-07-14T22:22:00.000-07:00

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2008-07-14T22:13:00.001-07:00

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2008-06-26T15:33:00.001-07:00

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2008-06-10T16:59:00.000-07:00

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2008-05-20T21:58:00.001-07:00

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2008-05-20T16:22:00.001-07:00

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2008-05-19T10:37:00.001-07:00

UCB - CDR

2008-05-13T22:21:00.001-07:00

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2008-04-27T10:39:00.001-07:00

Best typo ever.

2008-03-27T13:24:00.000-07:00

Mañanagement.

Without the tilde of course, just mananagement. But man adding the tilde makes it the best word ever.

"We will lead tomorrow sometime"

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2008-03-23T16:42:00.001-07:00

An open letter to the woman in the Prius yesterday.

2008-03-20T12:52:00.000-07:00

Congratulations for being the first person in a dog's age to successfully merge onto the 134 West after the interchange of the 5/134 freeways.

I left you an open space and you moved right into it with your left blinker gaily plip plip plipping! Bully for you, for you unlike the umpty-fucking-billion other schmucks who enter the 134 on that on ramp, you did not take the low road (no pun intended) and slam forward into the merge lane, riding it out in order to eke out one or two car lengths extra while forcing the flow of traffic to a halt while people made room for you.

Was it because I was a courteous driver and left you room? Is it because you, in your “Driftwood Pearl” colored hybrid, are an empathetic type? Are you caring for and about the environment and other human beings? Do you understand that merging is like a zipper? Where each side should meet systematically or it all gets tangled and broken? Or maybe if you had been in a car that had more power you would have done what everyone else and their cousin’s hamster does and just rush up and clog the lane.

I like to think you are better than that. I choose to be positive.

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2008-03-17T09:14:00.001-07:00

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2008-02-24T19:41:00.001-08:00

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2008-02-12T11:54:00.001-08:00

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2008-02-11T12:50:00.001-08:00

'lectric toothbrush in the street it is on.

Sweater Time!

2008-01-14T11:55:00.001-08:00